Last fall was a heavy lift for my family, as we marked the 25th anniversary of Matt's murder. I have needed some time and space before I could post about it here.
25 years ago, as my spouse Jim and I were celebrating our firstborn’s first birthday, we were also carrying in our hearts Jim’s sweet cousin Matt, who lay in a hospital after being brutally beaten and left tied to a fence. When Matt died on October 12, 1998, his murder elicited an outcry from a multitude of souls.
Now, Matt's resting place is the Washington National Cathedral where his ashes are interred in the crypt. I cannot say enough about the grace and hospitality offered by WNC. The Cathedral has taken good care of Matt, and of our family. Each year now, the cathedral staff offers a service of remembrance for Matt on his birthday, December 1. I am particularly grateful to Canon Rose Duncan, who crafted a stunning liturgy last November in A Service Honoring Matthew Shepherd and prayed me through it, to Head Verger Scott Sanders, who gracefully insured that all went well, and to Bishop Mariann Budde, whose presence warmed my heart.
I am also thankful for the kindness shown by Peter O'Dowd and Adeline Sire of NPR's Here and Now, who treated me and Matt's story with compassion when Peter interviewed me.
When it comes to walking the way of faith and love in the world, they only way we can do it is in community.
What follows is what I preached last fall. You can also watch/listen to the service.
Remember, Reflect, Resolve
25th Anniversary of Matt’s Murder
November 30, 2023
What would it be like
to never be driven away?
to never have a door closed in your face
to never be told there is no room for you
to never have someone whisper insults behind your back
or to you face
What would it be like
to never have to run or hide or cower
for your own safety?
How would you hold yourself
if you knew that all of who you are
would be welcomed with open arms?
Jesus says, anyone who comes to me I will never drive away
anyone who comes to me I will never drive away
can you imagine such an encounter
such welcome
such healing
25 years ago
I carried Matt’s ashes in my lap
as my spouse drove us to the church for the funeral
our one-year-old safely buckled into a car seat in the back
we turned a corner
and suddenly encountered hate--
protesters shouting and wielding hateful signs
Matt’s face with ugly words
some of them carried by children
I instinctively shielded the precious burden in my lap
as I simultaneously threw a mother’s protective love
over our own child
not wanting a wisp of that hate to touch them
Five years ago
at this Cathedral
instead of hateful signs, the rainbow flag flew
our profound sorrow enfolded in profound love
and now, a return, a remembrance,
a time of pilgrimage
I lift up my eyes to the hills,
from where is my help to come?
the psalmist echoes for all time
our yearning in a broken world
our searching for relief and solace
and our determination to hope
this is a psalm sung by those making pilgrimage
the physical and ritual journey to a sacred place
in order to encounter the divine
and gain…what?
perhaps wisdom
perhaps sustenance
perhaps an inkling that the brokenness around and within us
is not the whole story
and a pilgrimage is more than the destination
it encompasses the landscapes traversed
the steps taken
the exertion and fatigue and growing strength
the contemplation and wandering thoughts and emerging vision
and the doubts
for me
perhaps for you
this is a moment of pilgrimage
and yes, Matt’s resting place is a sacred destination for me
and it is more
this moment calls me to reflect on the landscapes I have traversed to arrive here
Before I was ordained 28 years ago
I was already struggling with a church that did not fully accept
the plurality of gender identity expressed in God’s creation.
Although it took longer than I wanted
that has changed
--thanks be to God
When someone on the NYC subway 26 years ago complimented my infant child saying
“she’s going to turn boys heads someday”
without a beat I said “or maybe girls”
-- little did I know how true that would be
Sophie, our oldest, would be a teen before they identified themselves as non-binary.
gender fluid nonbinary lesbian, to be exact
we are so proud of them
and of a church that offered a session on “queering the Bible”
at the Episcopal Youth Event they attended
and a congregation that supported them with Love through their teen years
in fact, before Sophie came out to me and Jim formally,
they told their Sunday School class
This is the church at its best
this is the kind of community that is possible
this is why I continue to practice hope
a pilgrim does not remain
at the sacred site or even in the sacred encounter
but moves on
heads toward home
reengages with everyday life
and so this time here together also calls me to resolve
to gather up all that has brought me here to this moment
and see what I can make of it
what can I weave from these strands--
from each of your presences
from the artistry of song and poetry and prayer inspired by Matt’s story
from tears and sighs and wistfulness
from the admiral courage and witness of Judy and Dennis
and so many of you
What I knew 25 years ago
I still know
we are each of us created in God’s image, the image of love
we are each beloved of God
Matt, you, me
God’s love for us is irrevocable
there are people and institutions in the world
who speak and act otherwise
who will tell some that they are not welcome
who want you to believe you are less-than, not-lovable
who insist there are parts of who we are that must be hidden away
--and all of that is a shameful lie of the enemy!
the voice of God
is the voice of love
the voice of Jesus who says
anyone who comes to me I will never drive away
a pilgrim does not remain
at the sacred site or in the sacred encounter
but moves on
heads toward home
reengages with everyday life
our time here together also calls each of us to resolve
to gather up all that has brought you here to this moment
and see what you can make of it
